Love language

I just called to say I love you - How to speak your partner's love language

How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner's preferred way of receiving your love?

Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title: 

words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time  and acts of service.

All of these 'languages' are means of expressing our love. You and your partner may not speak the same language and therefore may miscommunicate. What you experience as an act of love may not be in the same way by your partner.

We all give and receive love in different ways. There isn't one 'right' way to express love. Both of you may have different ways of expressing love. This is partly due to your experiences when growing up. If hugging and kissing was a very normal way of expressing love in your family and if you have experienced this kind of physical touch in a positive way, then you are likely to replicate this in your adult relationship. Conversely, if hugging and kissing was missing, you may want to make up for it by hugging your partner more frequently.

Both of you may have a similar or different preference for expressing love. Most of us are fluent in all of the different ways in which love finds expression but we tend to have a preference for one that speaks more to us than the others. While understanding your partner's way of expressing and receiving love may not be the only way to maintain a develop a strong relationship it goes a long way in helping you to feel connected and nurtures. The emphasis is on focusing on your partner rather than getting into a 'you scratch my back and I scratch yours' kind of negotiation. Learning your partner's love language is about letting them know that you care and doing so in the way that can be understood and feels right by your partner.

In his bestselling 5 Love Languages Dr Chapman describes the five ways in which love is finding expressing as follows:

Words of affirmation: Letting your partner know through words or written notes that you love them. Your are affirming your partner through compliments, praise and encouragements.

Gifts:  Gifts are visual symbolic representations of love. Getting a small present for your partner shows them that they are kept in mind. You demonstrate to your partner that you have taken the time to think about them and chosen and object that signifies your thinking of your partner.

Physical touch: Kissing, holding, touching, hugging (provided that there is mutual consent) are all powerful emotional expressions of love. The roots of this experience go back to infancy, being held and cuddled by our primary care givers. An exception to this may be where your partner has experienced trauma. This may impair the capacity to receive physical affection.

Quality time: Setting time aside to be fully present for your partner; time to talk or to do something together that is enjoyable. Spending time with your partner signals to them that they are wanted, prioritised and that connection is sought.

Acts of service: You can demonstrate your love by doing something for your partner (even if you are not that keen on it) that would support them in times of stress or need. This may be a domestic chore or preparing breakfast. Many people believe that actions speak louder than words - this is the way to get to their heart.

Getting in touch with your own love language and that of your partner encourages more capacity and willingness for connection. It is not a guarantee for a healthy relationship but it helps to establish a friendly foundation on which to build. Speaking your partner's love language shows a desire to demonstrate your best intentions, to connect with your partner and to keep working on explicitly nurturing your relationship rather than taking it for granted.

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